i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize