I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
