Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize