I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
