The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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