I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
