i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
