He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
