i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
