Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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