thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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