OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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