It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
