be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
