That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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