It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
