she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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