I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
