I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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