i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
