Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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