Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize