batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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