My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
