I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
