I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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