wakey wakey hands off snakey
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
