I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
