the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
