Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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