So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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