I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
