You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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