If that was your dad, he is hot
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
