Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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