If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
