I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Plan B is the new Plan A
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
