Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
