When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
