wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
