the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i out mim tonsoeep
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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