News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
