Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
