I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
