you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
