The beer is more important than you right now.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
