last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
