I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
