Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
