I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
