her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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