you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
