I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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