Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he shaved USA in his pubs
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
