The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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