i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
