I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
