i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
