so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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