the condom got lost in my hair
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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